Simple Serenity

Hello Friends!

This is the first time I have ever written a review for any product before. I bought these items at first to support a friend in her growing business. I'm writing the review because quite honestly, I'm blown away. 

I'm not 100% sure how to write a review properly, but I'll do my best, and hopefully do these products justice.

Named after the owner's little girl, the business name is Simple Serenity. Each product offered is hand made,100% natural, and comes in several flavors/ scents to choose from.Their philosophy is, "If you can't eat it, don't put it on your skin." Simple. 

I started out placing a small order for three basic items I use every day.

1. Soap

2. Lotion 

3. Lip Balm

Milky Lavender Oval Bar

Cost: $5.00

Ingredients: Ingredients: Soybean oil, Cottonseed Oil, Lye, Milk, Lavender Blossoms, Oatmeal, Essential and Fragrance Oil.

I used the bar on me by itself. First thing I noticed was the lather. It wasn't too much and the bar didn't get slippery, which I liked. The texture was interesting. It was the slightest bit course because of the oatmeal and had an exfoliating quality to it. It actually got into  my skin and I felt clean after using it. Bonus- I felt like I was giving my skin a massage. That wasn't meant to sound creepy. I know it did though. Oh well. Lastly, the scent was AMAZING. Fresh lavender. Enough said. 

Whipped Body Butter (4 oz.)

Cost: $7.50

Ingredients: Shea butter, coconut oil, Sweet Almond oil and Vitamin E

I used this immediately after my shower. It almost "melts" into your skin. It's nice. I'm currently 5 1/2 months pregnant so my stomach is...growing to put it lightly. I am already getting stretch marks..which itch. (yayyyy!) But I applied the body butter and haven't scratched my stomach once tonight. I have however felt it several times because it's soft and has a nice dewy feeling to it. I may or may not have used more than necessary. It just feels so nice on my skin. Again..creepy. My bad.

Peppermint Lip Balm

Cost: $6.00

Ingredients: Coconut Oil, Sweet Almond Oil, Beeswax, Vitamin E, Essential oils.

I will start off by saying I have used the same lip balm for three years. I don't use anything else, ever. But just for the heck of it I decided to order one to try and if all else failed, let my daughter play with. Well, turns out she won't be playing with it because I now have a new favorite lip balm. I ordered the peppermint flavor. The scent isn't too strong which is nice. It smells like fresh peppermint. If you haven't ever smelled fresh peppermint, go smell some. It's amazing. It goes on smooth and is not gooey or thick. Even my old favorite lip balm was a little too thick. This stuff is amazingly moisturizing and you almost forget your wearing it until you rub your lips together. Because it absorbs right away. A nice thin layer of balm is all you need. It's light, smooth, and smells delicious. 

 Bonus- My daughter loves it too. I bought the tin so she doesn't try to shove the entire thing in her mouth. Win, win, win.

I am very happy with the three items I purchased and will for sure be placing another order very soon. Not just for me but for several women in my family. I encourage anybody who appreciates high quality bath and body products to order from Simple Serenity right HERE.

What started out as a favor to a friend turned into me thanking her for her awesome products I'll use again and again. Check her out on Facebook and be sure to "Like" her page! Now. Do it now!

http://www.facebook.com/Simple.Serenity.BB.Solutions

http://simpleserenitybbsolu.wix.com/simple-serenity#!lip-balm/c1ibp

Nobody likes depression.

Nobody likes to talk about depression. Or perhaps, some people do. I however, do not. But I'll tell you something. Lately, I have been depressed. More than depressed, I have felt hopeless. I could easily lay in my bed all day long and stare a hole in the ceiling. Today was especially hard. I felt pain in my chest all day long..like a hole. There was a hole in my heart. I feel like I have been carrying more than I can bare and now, someone is sitting on me. Not even my daughter's giggle makes it go away. Which means it's serious. Because her giggle makes everything go away.
 I'm going to unload on you guys for a moment here..but I promise not for long.
Some of you may know that on top of the other issues I've had with my pregnancy, I recently discovered that my son has what is called a single artery umbilical chord. This can cause many issues, such as heart failure, kidney problems, low birth weight, and developmental issues. It all stems from the baby not getting the nutrients and oxygen needed in the womb. Now, I'm not trying to be dramatic. 75% of all babies born with this are totally fine. But less than 1% of all women in the United States deal with SUA and less than 1% of all women in the United States have cervical incompetence. So it seems odds are not my friend.

On top my extremely high risk pregnancy, my husband is still looking for work (almost 3 months, yayyyyy!) and to make things even more complicated, I'm having insurance issues.
To make a long story short I called the pharmacy today to refill my progesterone (pregnancy hormones) and was told that I would have to pay cash if I needed my prescription while they got things figured out in the mean time. And without going into too much detail, I really need this prescription. It's helping my body maintain my pregnancy. I asked the woman how much it'd cost and she told me..
 "$104.76"
I can't afford that. But I have to have it, so I'll cut corners in the rest of our finances to make it work.
In the several hours between making that phone call to Walgreens and going to actually pick up my prescription I had about 15 different break downs. All on the inside. And then when my husband came home from an interview I gave him our daughter and melted into my bed. I told God I was done.
I've been crying out for a long time here, I've been wandering the desert in search of water and I feel like I've just had sand  thrown in my face. I don't need God to fix my entire life. I just need the reassuring water of His Love to wash me for just a second. I just need one sip of water. Then I'll carry on. But so far, I've had none. It's been dry.
I called my husband into our room after telling God "we're through" and with puffy red eyes and tears still streaming down my face I told him that we had to get ready for dinner at my mom's house.
On the way to her house we stopped at the pharmacy to get my prescription and while waiting in the drive through line I was venting non-stop to my husband about how all the injustice in the world is ruining me. I want to see God's goodness so I can pass along that very hope that saved me to someone else. But everywhere I look I see cancer, starving kids, rape, human trafficking, drugs, the list goes on. I just want to see a little bit of goodness.
We pull our car forward as it's our turn and the woman picks up the phone intercom and says "If you pay for this, your state medical will stop your health care all together. They'll think you can afford this prescription."
"But I can't afford it. I will have to cut corners with the rest of my budget this month, but I have to have this. If I don't take it I can go into labor right away. It's serious." I told her.
She just looked at me. I knew she felt bad for me and she walked away. I started to cry, again.
"I just need a break. I can't handle this load anymore." I told my husband.
As I'm muffling my snot sobs the pharmacy manager comes over with a look in his eyes.
"Look, we've already sent through a request to your insurance and marked it as urgent. If I take your money they'll think you can pay for this and I know you can't. So I'm giving you a couple, and if it's not taken care of by the time you run out, come back. I will take care of you."
I wept. Something physically happened in my heart. It was like a tiny light was clicked on in the darkness of that hole I was telling you about before.
"Thank you, thank you. You don't understand."
He really didn't understand. I needed that. Not sand. Water. He gave me water. He was a man dressed in white, with a lisp, and big heart. He helped me.
I know I sound like I complain a lot. But I can't describe what has been done to my heart This Year. That's what I call it, "This Year" because it's been a lump of tragic events that all run together that's changed my life and my perspective. All I see is pain. Not just my own, but everyone's. Hungry hands, abused children, tired eyes, broken hearts, sick kids, mourning mothers. It's all I see.
But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I saw Him. In a way so small but meant so much.
And He sees hungry hands and abused children, tired eyes, broken hearts, sick kids and mourning mothers. He sees it. And more than He sees it, He feels it. He catches each tear, He feels each heart break.. And more than the temporary justice I want for them in this life, He wants eternal justice. He will feed them, He will heal them. He is high and lofty, but lowly and humble in spirit. And when I have only sand, He will give me water. Sometimes just enough to leave me needing more. And when I need more, He will give it to me.

Isaiah 57:15
For this is what the high and lofty One says--he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Henry Jordan. My son.

Yesterday, for a few minutes I saw you wiggle. I saw your tiny feet dance and your little legs kick. I saw your itty bitty belly and the obvious evidence that you are indeed, a boy. For five minutes I imagined what it'd be like to have you in my arms. Without the fear that my body might reject you before you get the chance to thrive. I need you to make it. Do you understand me? Now that I know who you are, Henry. I can not imagine February coming and going without you. You have to stay in mommy's tummy for a 19 more weeks. They told my body may be doing what it did when I was pregnant with your sister. But I wanted you so badly, I had surgery to help keep you inside my tummy. And right now I'm laying on my side. I have been for weeks. I want to give you every chance possible. Because I need to buy you a blue car seat, and baseball hats, and little toy cars. I need to. I need you. You have to fight in this family, for a chance. I do it, your daddy does it, your sister did it, and now it's your turn. But if you are anything like your big sister, you'll make it just fine. Hold on tight sweet heart. I love you.

An open letter to my husband, Jordan.

Dear Jordan,

This morning Gracie woke up at 7:30. I know you were exhausted, but you rolled out of bed without a word. I got up to use the bathroom and found you making her breakfast, with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on and Gracie sitting in front of the TV happy as a clam watching it. You did dishes, laundry, and just left WITH  our one and a half year old to Wal-Mart for groceries and a few household items. Let me just say, thank you. I don't even like going to Wal-Mart alone with our toddler. You made coffee, bought more coffee, then drank a Red Bull. I know, it's exhausting. But you haven't complained once. I know that when you get home, you'll change her diaper, put away groceries, and probably read her a book you can recite without looking because she always wants you to read her the same book. "Everybody grows a nose! I see a nose on every face, I seen noses every place. A nose between each pair of eyes, noses noses every size!"

 You know I am not supposed to do, well, anything. 

You don't give me crap for being on bed rest, you don't make me feel like a failure for not being able to "do pregnancy" like most women, you even THANK me for taking bed rest seriously. Because I'm "giving our children a chance.." You make certain I don't feel worthless.

 Not to mention you give me a back rub every night. I know you hate it..but you still do it.  Thanks for that.

You spend all of your "extra" time (as if you have any) looking up your options for school so our family has a chance at a better future, going to interviews, and job searching like a maniac. Since you lost your job, you haven't wasted a single day. You really have had to do it all since this round of bed rest began. I mean, really. You've done everything, without complaint. Thanks for that.

You speak wisdom and peace over me every time I begin to worry. Whenever I break down about missing my dad, you hug me and talk me down from hysterics, even if it happens in the middle of a movie. You pause it until I'm done. Thanks for that too.

You make late night runs to 7/11 for sunflower seeds because I crave them, you dance with our daughter every single day because it's her favorite thing to do, you shovel dog poop, clean up baby poop, and you do every other house hold chore there is. But most of all, you support my dreams and you believe in me. You do everything a man should do and have grown into everything a husband should be. You have a tender heart full of compassion and conviction. I can honestly say you  come just about as close to perfect there is. I mean that. 

 We parent together. We make all of our decisions together. We have done it all, together. I've never been alone, because of you.  You have stood along side me throughout the past five years, when others would have left because it got too hard. You stayed. Not only have you stayed, you never even wavered. You're a rock.

 Who would have thought we'd suffer so much to get here? To this place. To this house, with this love, with these amazing children. Who would have thought we could do it?

You were a 16 year old boy at summer camp. And now you are the best man I know. 

My protector, my best friend, the world's best father and husband. Jordan, I love you. Words fail when I try to express how much. You are absolutely amazing.

Thank you for that. 

Love, 

Your extremely grateful wife.

Restoring Hope

 These last couple of years have been very difficult for me and for my family. I've told you this. I have literally stood nose to nose with death more times than I care to remember, I have struggled for the life of my children, and more than I thought possible I have been disappointed.
After so many trials I have sort of started to give up hope. I've held on to my knowledge of God but slowly let go of my faith in His goodness. I stopped believing He wanted good things for me. I stopped reading my Bible, the words that I once drank in every day to sustain me were now pointless to me. Why read it? Why believe it? If it doesn't change the outcome, why drag myself through the process?
The last couple of months, every time something bad happens I just think to myself,
 "That sounds about right. Why not? Life on this earth sucks. I'll behold Goodness when I get to Heaven. Until then, I give up."

After I held my father's hand and prayed fervently, full of belief, over his body and he still died- I just quit. Like God wasn't worth pursing because He didn't do what I wanted him to do. It didn't matter that my dad smoked his entire life, and that this world is fallen so bad things happen. Nobody was to blame but God. Because He could have fixed this. That's what I felt anyways.
So when I got word my Grandfather was dying, I knew he would die. When I got word my father in law had cancer, I muttered a prayer that God would just save his soul before he died. Because I knew too, that he would die. When I held my husband's Grandmother's hand in the hospital I prayed for her soul, not her body. Even when I did pray for her body, I knew God would take her. My prayers started to dwindle almost to nothing. At night all I could pray was,
"God, I don't know what you are going to do. But please.. just help somehow."
When my husband lost his job. I don't even think I prayed..maybe I did a few times. But with zero expectation. When I had my surgery, I had zero expectation. For all I knew, I would come out with no baby. My hope was gone. Somewhere along the ride, it'd been lost.
To be really honest, I'm growing sick of feeling hopeless. When did God lose his worth? When did He alone quit being the prize? When did chasing Him for Him alone, become not worth it?
Never. He never quit being worth it. I'm here on this earth for relationship with Him. My heart's true desire is to love Him until the very end. And if in the end I die alone, with no roof over my head but a heart full of love for the Lord and a life spent proclaiming His goodness and Love for all people then I have all I need.
We Christians are sort of crazy like that. We believe that that when Jesus died on the cross, to cover the sins of man, that He alone became worth it. Because His love for us brought Him to a bloody death, He is worth it.

The other night I just broke down. I prayed something along the lines of,
"God humble me. I want to want You even if it benefits me nothing. If I lose it all, I still want you. And Lord give me expectation again. When You place something before me and call it mine, let me claim it. Let me be excited for it to be mine. I want to trust You again. All good things come from You, and I want no credit. So Lord please give Jordan a job and help me carry this baby. Keep my children safe and growing. And let it be by Your hand alone. Because I want everyone to see You move."

The next two days Jordan got three job interviews. One of them for the job of his dreams. Now, I'm not saying "God gave me this, so He is good." Because believe me, God could give me nothing and still be good. He is good. My point here is that God wants to move. He always wants to move. And when things don't go my way, and I lose more than I know how to handle, He is still worth loving. I will behold goodness when I get to Heaven. But He also died so that I could behold Goodness here in this life too.

I read this scriptures during the perfect time. Take from them what you will. To me, they help restore my faith  in God's heart towards us. His selfless, giving, unrelenting heart. He is a giver.

^{John 14: 16-17} 
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

John 17: 1-5

 After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed:

“Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. ² For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. ³ Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. ⁴ I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do. ⁵ And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.

Doubting Sarah.

A couple of days ago I had my cerclage placed. I woke up in recovery coughing non stop. I felt like someone slit my throat and asked, "Why can't I stop coughing?"
Casually the nurse replied "Oh we had to intubate you, your body stopped breathing because of the anesthesia." 
Oh neat-o. No big deal.
 All that day and the next day I felt like I got hit by a truck. Non stop headaches, sleeping, and feeling like the world's crappiest mother as my toddler threw herself at my feet with tears in her eyes begging me to pick her up. But I can't pick her up. Because I have a stitch in my cervix. My husband has been playing Mr. Mom, bless his heart. This morning I woke up feeling well rested with no headaches for the first time in two days. 
However...
All day I've had pressure in my lower stomach. It's finally subsided. I'm hoping it was just trapped gas and nothing to worry about. My OB called and checked on me just to see how I'm feeling. I could have just said,
 "Well Doctor. I'm sick of the fear my children are going to literally die because my body doesn't know how to function properly. I'm afraid that every time I go to the freaking bathroom to pee I'm going to see blood. If something happens to this baby because of my body's lack of ability to hold my most precious possessions, I'll never have a child again. Ever. "
 But instead I just said "I'm fine, thank you for asking."
I think I've sort of told God what I wanted to tell my Doctor without actually saying "Hey God....." 
I just think its knowing He can hear me. Like saying that is going to change anything. I don't want to threaten God. What in the world would that do besides make me like, really stupid? Nothing. It would do nothing. My goal for this pregnancy is to learn to trust God again. I feel like so many terrible things have happened to me this year that it wouldn't be far fetched that I lose someone else. But I don't think that's God's heart for me. I don't. Not only do I not think it...I know it. I know in my heart of hearts that God is good. And that he gave me this baby. And only by His hand will I have this baby. I want a full term healthy pregnancy. That is the desire of my heart. And maybe I'm just saying this in faith, but I think God is going to give me that. Because He loves to bless His children. And I'm His daughter. 
I haven't told many people this...actually I've never mentioned it because at the time I didn't realize it's significance. 
Back when Gracie was about six months old, I was reading in Genesis. I was reading about Sarah. You know, Abraham's doubting wife Sarah. 

I read this passage from Genesis 18.

⁷ Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it. ⁸ He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.

⁹ “Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.

“There, in the tent,” he said.

¹⁰ Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

¹³ Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

In that moment I felt like Sarah. I laughed at the promise of my children. Knowing full well, that God could do it. And right now I still sort of feel like Sarah. Even though my first God given promise is currently sleeping safely in her bed tonight. After being 1 cm. from literally falling from my womb and God held her there, she was delivered to me completely healthy and safe. For some strange reason, I still feel like Sarah.

God, tonight you know my heart. You know my doubting, scared, inadequate heart. You know what I've walked through, and you know I cling to only You. Even when I'm scared You'll let me down. I cling only to You. Because the Bible says You give and You take away. And tonight, as a scared, unsure, and immensely emotional mother I'm asking You to give. Give me peace, give me hope, give me confidence, give me this healthy full term baby, and more than anything God give me the grace to be submitted to You. All the time. No matter how I feel. No matter if it benefits me or not. Give me grace to do Your will. 

Bless your Holy and wonderful name. A-men. 

Motherhood. As told by Katie.

 Anywhere from 7:30 to 8:00 o'clock each morning, my alarm goes off. It starts out slow and low in tone. It almost sounds unsure if it should be going off. And then after about thirty seconds of the unsure fussing it begins to screech and scream. And I'm up.

I walk into the next room and a puffy eyed little blonde girl is sitting with her brows furrowed and her nose still red from being face down in her bed for eleven hours straight. She sees me walk toward her crib and she pulls her slobbery thumb out of her mouth, greets me with morning breath, and an open mouthed kiss.

 "Hi", she says. 

"Hi baby, good morning." I say back to her.

She giggles and lays her head back down on my shoulder as I carry her to the living room for cartoons and cereal.

She takes a few bites of her breakfast and jumps off my lap. The rest of the morning and the rest of the day she is climbing on the couch, playing with the dogs faces, making a disaster out of previously folded laundry, making another disaster out of breakfast, lunch and dinner, feeding goldfish to our two dogs, dancing, singing, and her new favorite past times burping her baby dolls, and picking her nose. 

She is a riot. There are a million words to describe her but none of them do her justice. She is the light of my life. She makes the laundry, the dirty diapers, the spilled cheerios, the dirty looks received from strangers as they watch my daughter shove a lollipop stick up her nose, and the outrageous screaming and kicking fits all worth it. The best thing about me is easily her. And I wouldn't change my life for anything more glamorous, ever.

 

I suppose I should mention here that I am pregnant again. If you follow this blog, you already know that. Now I know that pregnancy leads to children and children are the best thing EVER. That's why I got pregnant. Because I love children. But let me just say, pregnancy is one of the most difficult things women go through. Now if you are a cute and chipper pregnant person..well first of all I probably don't like you. (Calm down, I'm only kidding.) And second of all, you aren't who I'm talking about so you won't understand this. (And those of you are are chipper..I'm convinced every upbeat pregnant woman is a great actress. So quit lying.) I'm talking about 90% of women in the world who don't enjoy peeing 15 times a night, or stinking up their bedrooms at night farting non stop, or doubling over while sneezing due to round ligament pains, and who don't enjoy painful acne and emotional outbursts, or bloating to the size of a gray whale after every meal or sip of water. Those are the women I'm talking about. Women like me, who suck at being pregnant. 

I've gained already about 10 pounds in three months. Yes I know that's more than the suggested amount. Trust me, every time I look in the mirror at my chins, I know it. But still, here we are. Stuck on modified bed rest with a no exercise or heavy lifting restriction. Sounds like I'm going to be REAL cute at the end of all of this. Real. Stinking.Cute. :) Tomorrow morning I'm even going in for SURGERY to sew my CERVIX shut so that this baby doesn't fall victim to my stupid incompetent cervix. That's right. I need surgery to carry children, every time I get pregnant. (If you don't know what this is either Google it or read  my blog post Gracie's Story.) I am REALLY bad at being pregnant, and apparently I can't even help it. 

But fast forward to February 2013. Another baby, like the one in the first paragraph will be here. Another child that lights up my world, in only a way a parent understands, will be here. I will start over with a newborn. A child that poops, barfs, and screams for a million reasons. Each cry demanding something different from me. And night time will come and I will wake up every two hours to feed the baby and it will spit up on me, and I'll be too exhausted to change my shirt so I'll just wake up smelling like moldy cat poop rolled in newspaper and set on fire. And I'll love every minute of it. Because regardless of it's challenges and demands. I love children. And more than anything in the world, I love mine.

2012 thus far.

Cough cough...hello. It's me Katie. Remember me? No? Alright. Well let's pretend I've kept in touch okay? It's been a busy year.

But seriously. I hate blogging. My sister keeps telling me to start again because I have a lot to say and I say things most people wouldn't. So I guess to make her happy I'll try it again. I'm not good at this, you know. I have so much to say, and like a child with ADD it sort of comes out all at once. And once I'm finished I think "Maybe I shouldn't have just said all that." But alas, here we go. Bear with me. Okay?

It's been a crazy year. Most of you know last year, January 2011 we lost my step dad Charlie. I'll come right out and say it. He overdosed on prescription pills. I saw him lying there and there were a million things going through my mind but one of them was "Thanks a lot ass hole."  I won't go too far into it because I still sort of hold a lot of hatred and hurt towards him in my heart. I've been praying it away for about 16 years. He did a lot of damage, and hurt many people. He was a selfish drug addict. He ruined my family and hurt my mother. And the only peace I have about his death is that we're all not being back stabbed and stolen from anymore. I'm working through it..still. The good that came from all of this is the healing and friendship that formed between my mom and my dad once Charlie was gone. And now that my mom is not constantly being weighed down by the stress, and anxiety Charlie brought to their marriage she is doing amazing. After heavy and deep mourning she has come back to her old self. She is 50 pounds lighter, happier, working the job of her dreams, and in love with a person who treats her great. It is good to see her healthy again. She is so beautiful now. She always was, you can just finally see it clearly.

Shortly after he died, I ended up in the hospital 3 cm dilated at 21 weeks pregnant with a baby the doctors swore would die within 72 hours tops. Long story short, we hung out in the hospital drugged up, pooping in a bed pan, pissing in a bag, and a upside down for 8 long weeks. She was born at 29 weeks gestation, 2 lbs 10.5 oz and 14 1/4 inches long. We won that battle. Thanks to the Good Lord and His desire to keep promises. We won. Gracie LuRee is the light of our lives. She has us laughing all day every day. She loves to dance, make faces, play with the dogs, pick her nose, and play with her dolls. Her new found obsession is mimicking us laughing, closing doors every time she goes through one, and whispering. She is a hoot. And more than words can say,we love her.

I started this year recovering from a rough 2011 thinking "2012 has to be better. It can't get much worse." Welp. I was wrong. For sure. Here's where it gets really tough.

I haven't written about this, not even in my journal. Because writing it makes me think about it. And I still have trouble doing that. My dad died. There I said it. He died. He had a massive heart attack in March that took him from us. He had apparently had heart disease for many years and actually had a previous heart attack that he never was treated for. (He hated going to the Doctor.) And by the time this happened, it was too late. I thank God for letting him last long enough for all of us kids to be by his side. We stood over him and talked and prayed and sang and kissed him. And even in a coma, he responded. With smiles, and hand grabs, and pursed lips for kisses, and furrowed brows when he heard us cry. He was so perfect. As "good" as I am with words, I don't have enough to express how perfect he was. The best dad in the world. I mean it. When my parents divorced he didn't flee like a lot of men do. He stayed in a town with no jobs and worked however he could because he didn't want to change our lives more than it had already been changed. He raised three kids as a single dad and even when him and my mom weren't on good terms he always expressed to us how much she loved us and how much we needed her. He cooked us french toast for dinner, jitterbugged with us to John Couger Mellencamp on our black and white checkered kitchen floors. He took us to father daughter dances, he supported everything we did. He was our coach, our best friend, our anchor, our diary, our teacher, our personal comedian, our coffee buddy, and every single that a father should and could be to his kids. He was. He left us three months before my brother graduated. My brother who lived alone with my dad, who was coached by him, and pushed by him, and trained by him since he was 6 years old as a state champion wrestler can thank him for his scholarship to wrestle for a University for the next four years.  I'll just say his absence is felt deeply every moment of every day.I still can't swallow that he isn't here. Even when I moved away and married, he was my best friend. And whenever I was overly upset or emotional either my husband or my mom would chime in, "You need to call your dad." And I always did. I have to stop writing about him now. I'm weeping too hard.

Four days after my dad passed away my Grandpa died. On His death bed, before anybody knew about my dad's passing my Grandpa shot straight up and said "Randy died?" His daughter who was caring for him, said "No." Ten minutes later she got the call that my dad passed. That's right. My dad visited my Grandpa in the spirit. Holy Moly right? I like to think he was telling him "Say yes to Jesus. I'm going to Heaven now! Join me!" :)  He was 91 years old. So as much as I hate to say this, it was his time. And it's okay. After all the death and sadness in Montana we drove back home. Only to find that Jordan's biological father (who we had not seen since our wedding in 2009) was dying of cancer. Within a week he was gone. And then June rolled around... And Jordan's grandmother died. A women who helped raise him since he was born.

Three days later we found out we were pregnant. That's right. Baby Summers #2 is due in March. What a blessing. Life is picking back up again..right? 

Well then Jordan lost his job. After 3 years of working the same job and busting his ass for Amazon.com. Jordan got a new lazy supervisor who decided nobody needed to know Jordan was having issues with his system. Issues Jordan reported. So when Jordan's manager asked about it, his lazy and negligent supervisor said "I don't know anything about it." And bam. No warnings. Jordan was fired. After several e-mails, phone calls, and messages sent. Some moron "forgot" Jordan mentioned it. Here we are now, 25 days without a job, 12 weeks pregnant, going in for surgery in a week for my cervical incompetence (remember how I almost lost Gracie? Yeah this should help stop that from happening again.) 30 applications filled out, it's hurry up and wait. Waiting for a call back. On top of everything else we've dealt with this year, we get to deal with this too. Oh well, that's life right? There are no favorites. We all face crap. We have apparently just walked right into a raging sea of shit. It happens.

We've experienced more pain than I care to elaborate on. I'm starting to feel numb. Everyone dies don't they? I just plead with Jesus every night to leave the rest of us here. To love and live this life with each other. Bless my babies, my husband, my entire family. Let us live. Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic. But damn..it's true. 

Right now I'm clinging to a couple of things.

#1. I'm pregnant. God gave me this baby. His timing is right. So even though it might seem like bad timing, it's not. I trust that. 

#2. Heaven. I'm clinging to Jesus. I believe He died on a cross for the sins of man. All men including, my dad, Jordan's dad, my Grandpa, and Jordan's Grandmother. All men. In eternity we'll meet again. Until then..we'll miss and mourn and cry. 

#3. We only get one go round. I could die any day. Right? That would suck but it's true. I might as well try to stay positive. I have a family to be strong for and a God I can be weak with because He is strong for me. I can handle this. *Repeat to self*, I can handle this. 

#4.  In the scheme of things, it could be worse. There are people living in poverty, disease stricken children all around the globe, women and girls being sold into sex slavery by the millions, children living motherless, and mothers living childless no thanks to pediatric cancer. Right now, life for me is hard. It down right sucks. But it could be worse. And I will be thankful for every breath I am given. And even more thankful for the breaths of my husband, the breaths of my children, and the breaths of the family I still have left. Life is too short to hate. And God is too good to blame. This world is fallen. He is not. 

I guess I'm ending this blog post now. It's been over a year since I've even tried something like this. I think next time I'll try to write about something less depressing. But hey, just catching ya'll up.

I'm pretty funny, so maybe next time I'll make you laugh.

Until next time sweet friends. 

This blog is begging to be written. I feel like so much has happened in the last couple months that I'm not sure what words to use to explain this journey without writing a book.

Forgive me if this isn't the best..sometimes I write and it comes out good..other times its like a flood of emotions and words pour out into a jumbled mess.

This may be the ocean of mess.

Since my last blog a lot has happened. A week after I was released from the the University of Washington Labor and Delivery unit I went in for a routine check up and ultrasound. The technician told me I was extremely "thinned out" meaning my cervix was not cooperating and I was close to dilating. Within one hour I was sitting in my Doctors office. The Doctor checked my cervix and got a very worried look on her face.

"I don't want to open you any further because I may break your water. You are dilating. I am so sorry. Don't move. We are admitting you into Labor and Delivery."

Again. More bad news. I began to weep. I called my husband, they wheeled me downstairs and he drove me from one building to another. I was then wheeled up to Labor and Delivery. I dressed down and gowned myself. The Labor and Delivery Doctor came in. He told me that unfortunately I was one of the few women that suffer from an Incompetent Cervix. Me and my husband sat and cried as we were given the prognosis. We were given 72 hours before I would deliver a little girl that would be too small to live. Weeping, my husband asked,

"What are our odds of the baby living?"

Our hearts shattered as the Doctor told us:

"Less than 5%. Five percent is being generous."

They went on to tell us that they already had several women in with similar situations this year, of which only one left with their child alive. At this point I was given two options. Option number one was we could go home and deliver the baby there within the next couple of days. Option number two was called "extremely conservative." I could lay in a hospital bed at an angle with my legs and hips above and my head below, use a bed pan to poop and a catheter to pee, and go without showers. Even still, we were told she probably wouldn't make it.

Option number two. There wasn't even a question in my mind. If this is what we had to do to improve our chances..then we would do it. Easy.

I decided right then..that I would be woman number two. I was going to be the other woman that left the hospital with a healthy baby, she would be fine. I remembered the promise the Lord gave me several months before.

"This time next year you will hold your child in your arms."

The Doctor stepped out and we prayed. We pleaded with the Lord.

"God let us keep and raise our baby girl. You promised her to us. Please Lord, let her live."

The nurse came in. A wonderful woman named Trisha. I asked her if I could have people come and pray over me. She informed me that I could have as many people as I needed to come and pray.

"Where two or more are gathered, He is there" she told me.

This woman was clearly Heaven sent. The Lord gave me a nurse that knew Him. She spoke and I was encouraged. I was then again wheeled to a different location, because I was not allowed to walk. This time to the delivery room. Overwhelmed and numb at the same time. I couldn't believe or accept that this is where it all would end.

Within minutes a team of "Prayer Warriors" as I like to call them, came in. I laid still as they prayed over me. I heard from the Lord as they prayed.

"Rest in My goodness" He said.

Unsure of how I was going to do this..I knew I had to. The people all filed out as a different nurse came in, this time to put in my IV and my catheter. I was immediately started on intense rounds of several types of antibiotics, and fluids. I was strapped into leg circulators that moved the blood in my legs so I wouldn't get blood clots. I was also put on heavy medication to stop contractions, and given shots in my stomach every day to thin out my blood. It wasn't fun. But it was necessary. The waiting game began.

I laid in bed day after day, each day a Doctor would come in and tell me that it wouldn't be much longer before my water broke and I delivered.

"You are a disaster waiting to happen Katie, a train barreling down the tracks..you just haven't hit the wall yet."

Thanks Doctor! I spent days, that turned into weeks, that turned into months in bed crying and waiting for labor to start.

In the beginning I was upset. Mad at God I would think,

"Why Me? Why not one of the women that doesn't want their child? This isn't fair. "

God spoke to me more than ever during these times. He knew what was going on, He knew what was happening. I did not. And I could either hate Him or love Him andtrust Him. Trust Him. This would be hard. But I knew He was all I had..all I could lean on. And whatever was going to happen, He was going to carry me through it. My bitterness faded as the Lord comforted me.

He showed me that I was not low alone. He sat with me, full of sorrow as I was full of sorrow. He was overwhelmingly compassionate as I was confused, hurt, and afraid.

He then spoke to me out of Psalm 46, And I was changed.

God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times of trouble.

So we will not fear when earthquakes come

and the mountains crumble into the sea.

Let the oceans roar and foam.

Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

A river brings joy to the city of our God,

the sacred home of the Most High.

God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.

From the very break of day, God will protect it.

The nations are in chaos,

and their kingdoms crumble!

God’s voice thunders,

and the earth melts!

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;

the God of Israel is our fortress.

Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:

See how he brings destruction upon the world.

He causes wars to end throughout the earth.

He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;

he burns the shields with fire.

“Be still, and know that I am God!

I will be honored by every nation.

I will be honored throughout the world.”

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;

the God of Israel is our fortress.

I could see the confusion being spoken over me as I was told Gracie wouldn't make it completely MELT as the Lord spoke. I saw I AM the Temple of the Lord. I am the home where the Most High dwells. He rises to protect me. My womb would be guarded, the enemy would not be able to devastate this that belongs to the Lord. I belong, she belongs, we belong to the Lord. We are safe.

I was given a surgery that stitched my cervix closed. I was told there was a 50/50 chance that the surgery would actually work. The Doctors told me that my water may still break and it'd all be over.

The Lord had different plans. I laid in bed, and waited. I had peace this time. I knew who was in control. Doctors and nurses came in and out, shocked that after weeks I was still pregnant. My baby was in fact NOT dead...rather alive and healthily growing. This went on for 2 whole months, when at 29 weeks and two days I began to bleed. I knew this was it. Something was happening.

My nurse came in for the morning. Trisha. Again. I was so glad to see her. She only worked 3 days a week as all of the Labor and Delivery nurses do.. and I was so glad that she was working on this day. I told her I was bleeding and cramping. She knew something was up, so she checked my cervix. My stitch had come out who knows when and I was 5cm dilated and going into labor.

After hours of contractions, with a room full of family, nurses, my doctor, and a ton of NICU staff Gracie LuRee was born. April 8, 2011. 2 lbs 10.5 oz. and 14 1/4" long. She came out and landed on my stomach. How that happened, I'll never know.

She was the smallest thing I'd ever seen. I was afraid and we all hushed as the NICU Doctor and nurses grabbed her and immediately started checking her vitals.

"92% oxygen! This little girl is breathing better than me and you are right now!"

Another miracle. They pushed her isolate out into the hallway and put her on my chest. Completely healthy. My living, breathing, Heaven sent child looked right at me. Full of emotions. Scared, excited, confused, nervous, and completely in awe I stared back at her. The whole room was in tears. We all just witnessed a miracle. She should have been on oxygen, she should have been under developed. Nope. She was just small. They carried her to the NICU. Which is where she is now. Thirteen days later, Gracie is still defying the odds. She has not had any complications except for one platelet transfusion which is very common in Premie babies. We were told she would lose up to 10% of her body weight in the beginning..instead she shot from 2 lbs 10.5 oz to 3lbs 5 oz.

All the Doctors I saw my entire 2 month stay refer to Gracie as a Miracle baby. Yeah. I know. :)

Every day we visit her. I hold her on my chest and sing to the Lord with her right there. She is a child of God. Every time we pray or sing about Jesus, Gracie either smiles or goes into a sleepy relaxed state instead of her typical squirmy self. She knows the Lord. He has held her tiny body in His hands and kept her safe, and still continues to do so.

We wait anxiously for the day she comes home..which shouldn't be too much longer now. She is after all, a Miracle baby. She keeps defying the odds.

Thank you Jesus for our precious baby girl. When the world gave us less than 5%, you gave us 100%. She and we forever belong to You. And I will always, in every situation put all my trust in You.

Well HELLO there!
It sure has been a while since I've taken the time to write. A lot of things have changed in the past 6 months. My husband and I have moved into our very first HOME and are now expecting our first baby due June 22, 2011.
Shortly after moving into our home I found out that I'd been on a birth control that limited my chances of becoming pregnant. I cried and cried and locked myself in my bedroom. I prayed "Lord, please let me know what is going on. I know you've told me that someday we'll have a family. I hate to ask you confirm it again, but please I'm weak and need to know." I grabbed my Bible and closed my eyes, open to a random page and opened my eyes. "For your faithfulness, by this time next year you will be holding a boy in your arms."
I wept again, alright Lord you promised.

October 8, 2010 I had a funny feeling. I was two days late on my monthly reminder that we all bleed red, so I grabbed a pregnancy test and drained the tank. I waited the three incredibly long minutes and looked at the pee soaked test (gross, I know) and there was two faint lines.
"JORDAN! GET IN HERE!" I screamed. He walked into the bathroom a little annoyed by my screaming from the other side of the house. "WHAT babe!?"
"Look at this! Do you see two lines??"
"Yeah, but that second one is pretty faint...I'd take another one."
"You're right, I'm going to the store. I'll be back soon."
I ran to two separate stores and bought 3 boxes of pregnancy tests. The check out lady looked at me funny. I'll admit I probably looked 14 years old in my baggy sweatshirt and pj pants. But it wasn't her business and I wasn't going to let her ruin my high.
I went home and called my incredibly supportive and curious husband into the bathroom. I peed again, and we waited. This time it was a digital test..
"How long does this thing take?" he asked.
"3 minutes"
"This feels like the longest 3 minutes EVER."
PREGNANT
Can't mistake that one! I screamed and jumped up and down, literally. "We are going to be PARENTS! I'm gonna be a momma!" Jordan smiled big, and then froze. I could respect that he was scared out of his mind, as long as he too was happy. :)
We called our entire family, and of course my inner loud mouthed child had to blab it all over facebook that very moment. What can I say, we'd been trying and I was stoked!

Since then a lot of things have happened. We saw the little dancing bean at 8 weeks 6 days. We heard it's heartbeat at 13 weeks and then saw it again at 20 weeks. After months of thinking we were having a boy, the ultrasound tech surprised us when she said "Looks like you're having a little girl!" Of course, I cried. Happy, happy, happy tears.
That same day the tech told me she found something wrong with my cervix and the very next day I was admitted into the University of Washington Labor and Delivery Unit.
I've never been so scared in my life.
Turns out I have a dynamic cervix which puts me at risk for preterm delivery. I'm on bed rest, hormone shots, and anti inflammatory drugs to reduce my risk of going into labor.

I just keep remembering God's promise..this time next year I'll be holding my child in my arms.
He is forever faithful.

And that's where we are now, 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant on bed rest and waiting for our beloved daughter to arrive in June. Gracie LuRee Summers is her name. She is already the love of our life.

I'd like to end on a lighter note..just a couple things I've come to terms with this second trimester of pregnancy.

-My butt will never be the same, it's already marked with "I've stretched to carry this baby" marks. I am actually okay with it. I'll just call them battle scars!

-I have very little control over my bladder. My daughter is breech and sometimes kicks me directly on the bladder, and I pee a little..often. Most of the time in my pants.

-Cravings control my life. I see more than one chin on my face and yet I still keep eating. What is WRONG with you Katie!?

-I am now on bed rest and can't work out, which means now that I really need to work out I can't. And I will not get any cuter until after the birth of Gracie.

-Farts stink worse when you are pregnant. Enough said.

-If your husband really loves you he will rub your back, don't get mad if he complains a little. It's human nature.

-You roll out of bed when you are pregnant, literally. Those stomach muscles just don't work the same now days.

-Last but not least, emotions rule your life. No way around it.

UNBIASED LOVE

The Western Church..what are we doing?!

I've watched video after video of third world countries, underground churches in Africa and China where people are meeting in caves or in barns to gather together and worship the One True God.. and Miracles were happening. Jesus is showing up right in these peoples midst!
blind eyes open, lame legs walking, shoot...even dead people rising! ALL in the name of JESUS.

I was blown away! Look what happens when religion is NOWHERE in sight and you have a room full of desperate people after the Truth!
He doesn't keep Himself from them! He doesn't make sure they are converted over to a "religion" first. He shows up because he LOVES them. They have felt the Love and the Glory of God and give up everything to seek Him. Hours upon hours a day they sit at His feet and rejoice because they have Truth. He has healed them and saved them and every other single thing doesn't matter. The government, the world, the enemy.. nothing holds them back from Him.

The Western Church has placed such a high level of importance of "appearing Holy"-- we have stuck our heads deep into the sand and are so focused on "hear, see, speak no evil.." that we've forgotten that He desires EVERY.SINGLE.HEART.

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
-Matthew 9:11-13

People! God is not MAD at you! He is after you! He looks at us with eyes of Love..
It's why Jesus died.

I am done complicating who God is. He is a Father to the fatherless, a husband to the widow, refuge from the storm. The Healer, restorer, wonderful counselor, Prince of Peace...

We can not pave our own ways.. Spiritually we are no more fortunate than a dying person on their death bed if we do not know His Love. We wisp and long for air but we run out of oxygen. Our bones grow dry and we end up knowing in our hearts "There must be more!" but this is what is so beautiful...


There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

10Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

--Isaiah 53 (The Message version)


What I love so much about the above passage is that it was written around 700 years before Jesus ever showed up. Faith in Jesus in not blind. We serve a living, healing, loving God.



He is not concerned about where you think you are, what you think you need to do to get "right" with Him. He is a God chasing after His Beloved. He doesn't tire...

What I love about God is no matter how rough life gets..no matter how much the Devil hates us and throws every trick in the book our way..

God is bigger. His Love is fierce.
Church,

Lets be transformed. Lets call out to the God of Love and let Him change us. Lets go out and feed the hungry, heal the sick, and call the lost back home.
Stop "acting" and let Him move you.