This blog is begging to be written. I feel like so much has happened in the last couple months that I'm not sure what words to use to explain this journey without writing a book.
Forgive me if this isn't the best..sometimes I write and it comes out good..other times its like a flood of emotions and words pour out into a jumbled mess.
This may be the ocean of mess.
Since my last blog a lot has happened. A week after I was released from the the University of Washington Labor and Delivery unit I went in for a routine check up and ultrasound. The technician told me I was extremely "thinned out" meaning my cervix was not cooperating and I was close to dilating. Within one hour I was sitting in my Doctors office. The Doctor checked my cervix and got a very worried look on her face.
"I don't want to open you any further because I may break your water. You are dilating. I am so sorry. Don't move. We are admitting you into Labor and Delivery."
Again. More bad news. I began to weep. I called my husband, they wheeled me downstairs and he drove me from one building to another. I was then wheeled up to Labor and Delivery. I dressed down and gowned myself. The Labor and Delivery Doctor came in. He told me that unfortunately I was one of the few women that suffer from an Incompetent Cervix. Me and my husband sat and cried as we were given the prognosis. We were given 72 hours before I would deliver a little girl that would be too small to live. Weeping, my husband asked,
"What are our odds of the baby living?"
Our hearts shattered as the Doctor told us:
"Less than 5%. Five percent is being generous."
They went on to tell us that they already had several women in with similar situations this year, of which only one left with their child alive. At this point I was given two options. Option number one was we could go home and deliver the baby there within the next couple of days. Option number two was called "extremely conservative." I could lay in a hospital bed at an angle with my legs and hips above and my head below, use a bed pan to poop and a catheter to pee, and go without showers. Even still, we were told she probably wouldn't make it.
Option number two. There wasn't even a question in my mind. If this is what we had to do to improve our chances..then we would do it. Easy.
I decided right then..that I would be woman number two. I was going to be the other woman that left the hospital with a healthy baby, she would be fine. I remembered the promise the Lord gave me several months before.
"This time next year you will hold your child in your arms."
The Doctor stepped out and we prayed. We pleaded with the Lord.
"God let us keep and raise our baby girl. You promised her to us. Please Lord, let her live."
The nurse came in. A wonderful woman named Trisha. I asked her if I could have people come and pray over me. She informed me that I could have as many people as I needed to come and pray.
"Where two or more are gathered, He is there" she told me.
This woman was clearly Heaven sent. The Lord gave me a nurse that knew Him. She spoke and I was encouraged. I was then again wheeled to a different location, because I was not allowed to walk. This time to the delivery room. Overwhelmed and numb at the same time. I couldn't believe or accept that this is where it all would end.
Within minutes a team of "Prayer Warriors" as I like to call them, came in. I laid still as they prayed over me. I heard from the Lord as they prayed.
"Rest in My goodness" He said.
Unsure of how I was going to do this..I knew I had to. The people all filed out as a different nurse came in, this time to put in my IV and my catheter. I was immediately started on intense rounds of several types of antibiotics, and fluids. I was strapped into leg circulators that moved the blood in my legs so I wouldn't get blood clots. I was also put on heavy medication to stop contractions, and given shots in my stomach every day to thin out my blood. It wasn't fun. But it was necessary. The waiting game began.
I laid in bed day after day, each day a Doctor would come in and tell me that it wouldn't be much longer before my water broke and I delivered.
"You are a disaster waiting to happen Katie, a train barreling down the tracks..you just haven't hit the wall yet."
Thanks Doctor! I spent days, that turned into weeks, that turned into months in bed crying and waiting for labor to start.
In the beginning I was upset. Mad at God I would think,
"Why Me? Why not one of the women that doesn't want their child? This isn't fair. "
God spoke to me more than ever during these times. He knew what was going on, He knew what was happening. I did not. And I could either hate Him or love Him andtrust Him. Trust Him. This would be hard. But I knew He was all I had..all I could lean on. And whatever was going to happen, He was going to carry me through it. My bitterness faded as the Lord comforted me.
He showed me that I was not low alone. He sat with me, full of sorrow as I was full of sorrow. He was overwhelmingly compassionate as I was confused, hurt, and afraid.
He then spoke to me out of Psalm 46, And I was changed.
God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it.
The nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
See how he brings destruction upon the world.
He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
I could see the confusion being spoken over me as I was told Gracie wouldn't make it completely MELT as the Lord spoke. I saw I AM the Temple of the Lord. I am the home where the Most High dwells. He rises to protect me. My womb would be guarded, the enemy would not be able to devastate this that belongs to the Lord. I belong, she belongs, we belong to the Lord. We are safe.
I was given a surgery that stitched my cervix closed. I was told there was a 50/50 chance that the surgery would actually work. The Doctors told me that my water may still break and it'd all be over.
The Lord had different plans. I laid in bed, and waited. I had peace this time. I knew who was in control. Doctors and nurses came in and out, shocked that after weeks I was still pregnant. My baby was in fact NOT dead...rather alive and healthily growing. This went on for 2 whole months, when at 29 weeks and two days I began to bleed. I knew this was it. Something was happening.
My nurse came in for the morning. Trisha. Again. I was so glad to see her. She only worked 3 days a week as all of the Labor and Delivery nurses do.. and I was so glad that she was working on this day. I told her I was bleeding and cramping. She knew something was up, so she checked my cervix. My stitch had come out who knows when and I was 5cm dilated and going into labor.
After hours of contractions, with a room full of family, nurses, my doctor, and a ton of NICU staff Gracie LuRee was born. April 8, 2011. 2 lbs 10.5 oz. and 14 1/4" long. She came out and landed on my stomach. How that happened, I'll never know.
She was the smallest thing I'd ever seen. I was afraid and we all hushed as the NICU Doctor and nurses grabbed her and immediately started checking her vitals.
"92% oxygen! This little girl is breathing better than me and you are right now!"
Another miracle. They pushed her isolate out into the hallway and put her on my chest. Completely healthy. My living, breathing, Heaven sent child looked right at me. Full of emotions. Scared, excited, confused, nervous, and completely in awe I stared back at her. The whole room was in tears. We all just witnessed a miracle. She should have been on oxygen, she should have been under developed. Nope. She was just small. They carried her to the NICU. Which is where she is now. Thirteen days later, Gracie is still defying the odds. She has not had any complications except for one platelet transfusion which is very common in Premie babies. We were told she would lose up to 10% of her body weight in the beginning..instead she shot from 2 lbs 10.5 oz to 3lbs 5 oz.
All the Doctors I saw my entire 2 month stay refer to Gracie as a Miracle baby. Yeah. I know. :)
Every day we visit her. I hold her on my chest and sing to the Lord with her right there. She is a child of God. Every time we pray or sing about Jesus, Gracie either smiles or goes into a sleepy relaxed state instead of her typical squirmy self. She knows the Lord. He has held her tiny body in His hands and kept her safe, and still continues to do so.
We wait anxiously for the day she comes home..which shouldn't be too much longer now. She is after all, a Miracle baby. She keeps defying the odds.
Thank you Jesus for our precious baby girl. When the world gave us less than 5%, you gave us 100%. She and we forever belong to You. And I will always, in every situation put all my trust in You.
