A couple of days ago I had my cerclage placed. I woke up in recovery coughing non stop. I felt like someone slit my throat and asked, "Why can't I stop coughing?"
Casually the nurse replied "Oh we had to intubate you, your body stopped breathing because of the anesthesia."
Oh neat-o. No big deal.
All that day and the next day I felt like I got hit by a truck. Non stop headaches, sleeping, and feeling like the world's crappiest mother as my toddler threw herself at my feet with tears in her eyes begging me to pick her up. But I can't pick her up. Because I have a stitch in my cervix. My husband has been playing Mr. Mom, bless his heart. This morning I woke up feeling well rested with no headaches for the first time in two days.
However...
All day I've had pressure in my lower stomach. It's finally subsided. I'm hoping it was just trapped gas and nothing to worry about. My OB called and checked on me just to see how I'm feeling. I could have just said,
"Well Doctor. I'm sick of the fear my children are going to literally die because my body doesn't know how to function properly. I'm afraid that every time I go to the freaking bathroom to pee I'm going to see blood. If something happens to this baby because of my body's lack of ability to hold my most precious possessions, I'll never have a child again. Ever. "
But instead I just said "I'm fine, thank you for asking."
I think I've sort of told God what I wanted to tell my Doctor without actually saying "Hey God....."
I just think its knowing He can hear me. Like saying that is going to change anything. I don't want to threaten God. What in the world would that do besides make me like, really stupid? Nothing. It would do nothing. My goal for this pregnancy is to learn to trust God again. I feel like so many terrible things have happened to me this year that it wouldn't be far fetched that I lose someone else. But I don't think that's God's heart for me. I don't. Not only do I not think it...I know it. I know in my heart of hearts that God is good. And that he gave me this baby. And only by His hand will I have this baby. I want a full term healthy pregnancy. That is the desire of my heart. And maybe I'm just saying this in faith, but I think God is going to give me that. Because He loves to bless His children. And I'm His daughter.
I haven't told many people this...actually I've never mentioned it because at the time I didn't realize it's significance.
Back when Gracie was about six months old, I was reading in Genesis. I was reading about Sarah. You know, Abraham's doubting wife Sarah.
I read this passage from Genesis 18.
7 Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it. 8 He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.
9 “Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.
“There, in the tent,” he said.
10 Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”
In that moment I felt like Sarah. I laughed at the promise of my children. Knowing full well, that God could do it. And right now I still sort of feel like Sarah. Even though my first God given promise is currently sleeping safely in her bed tonight. After being 1 cm. from literally falling from my womb and God held her there, she was delivered to me completely healthy and safe. For some strange reason, I still feel like Sarah.
God, tonight you know my heart. You know my doubting, scared, inadequate heart. You know what I've walked through, and you know I cling to only You. Even when I'm scared You'll let me down. I cling only to You. Because the Bible says You give and You take away. And tonight, as a scared, unsure, and immensely emotional mother I'm asking You to give. Give me peace, give me hope, give me confidence, give me this healthy full term baby, and more than anything God give me the grace to be submitted to You. All the time. No matter how I feel. No matter if it benefits me or not. Give me grace to do Your will.
Bless your Holy and wonderful name. A-men.
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