Restoring Hope

 These last couple of years have been very difficult for me and for my family. I've told you this. I have literally stood nose to nose with death more times than I care to remember, I have struggled for the life of my children, and more than I thought possible I have been disappointed.
After so many trials I have sort of started to give up hope. I've held on to my knowledge of God but slowly let go of my faith in His goodness. I stopped believing He wanted good things for me. I stopped reading my Bible, the words that I once drank in every day to sustain me were now pointless to me. Why read it? Why believe it? If it doesn't change the outcome, why drag myself through the process?
The last couple of months, every time something bad happens I just think to myself,
 "That sounds about right. Why not? Life on this earth sucks. I'll behold Goodness when I get to Heaven. Until then, I give up."

After I held my father's hand and prayed fervently, full of belief, over his body and he still died- I just quit. Like God wasn't worth pursing because He didn't do what I wanted him to do. It didn't matter that my dad smoked his entire life, and that this world is fallen so bad things happen. Nobody was to blame but God. Because He could have fixed this. That's what I felt anyways.
So when I got word my Grandfather was dying, I knew he would die. When I got word my father in law had cancer, I muttered a prayer that God would just save his soul before he died. Because I knew too, that he would die. When I held my husband's Grandmother's hand in the hospital I prayed for her soul, not her body. Even when I did pray for her body, I knew God would take her. My prayers started to dwindle almost to nothing. At night all I could pray was,
"God, I don't know what you are going to do. But please.. just help somehow."
When my husband lost his job. I don't even think I prayed..maybe I did a few times. But with zero expectation. When I had my surgery, I had zero expectation. For all I knew, I would come out with no baby. My hope was gone. Somewhere along the ride, it'd been lost.
To be really honest, I'm growing sick of feeling hopeless. When did God lose his worth? When did He alone quit being the prize? When did chasing Him for Him alone, become not worth it?
Never. He never quit being worth it. I'm here on this earth for relationship with Him. My heart's true desire is to love Him until the very end. And if in the end I die alone, with no roof over my head but a heart full of love for the Lord and a life spent proclaiming His goodness and Love for all people then I have all I need.
We Christians are sort of crazy like that. We believe that that when Jesus died on the cross, to cover the sins of man, that He alone became worth it. Because His love for us brought Him to a bloody death, He is worth it.

The other night I just broke down. I prayed something along the lines of,
"God humble me. I want to want You even if it benefits me nothing. If I lose it all, I still want you. And Lord give me expectation again. When You place something before me and call it mine, let me claim it. Let me be excited for it to be mine. I want to trust You again. All good things come from You, and I want no credit. So Lord please give Jordan a job and help me carry this baby. Keep my children safe and growing. And let it be by Your hand alone. Because I want everyone to see You move."

The next two days Jordan got three job interviews. One of them for the job of his dreams. Now, I'm not saying "God gave me this, so He is good." Because believe me, God could give me nothing and still be good. He is good. My point here is that God wants to move. He always wants to move. And when things don't go my way, and I lose more than I know how to handle, He is still worth loving. I will behold goodness when I get to Heaven. But He also died so that I could behold Goodness here in this life too.

I read this scriptures during the perfect time. Take from them what you will. To me, they help restore my faith  in God's heart towards us. His selfless, giving, unrelenting heart. He is a giver.

^{John 14: 16-17} 
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

John 17: 1-5

 After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed:

“Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. ² For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. ³ Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. ⁴ I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do. ⁵ And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.